Today is Smizzo’s birthday!!! I am surprised that she is not at the MGM in Vegas right now too hungover to know that it is her birthday, but I am pretty sure she is home.  Please go over and wish her a very Happy Birthday.

Well I successfully found my new crack, I know you care. Have you tried these 5 Hour Energy shots? Screw coffee! These little things are the BOMB! I am hooked, like an inner city hooker is hooked to quickie blowjobs for a couple bucks, like a whiny mid-western kid with family problems is hooked to meth, like an upscale trophy wife is hooked to vodka… you get the point.

They really do work. You feel energy immediately and you do not crash later. They are a little sour, but if you do it like a shot and just get it down, you don’t really notice. I want to make out with the bottle after I drink it… that’s how much I love them. I’m just sayin…

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Our company has an IT division that works with a lot of the smaller contractors in the area helping them with their office networking, company websites and all their IT needs. For one company in particular, we had to set up a SharePoint collaboration site for them to use in-house for all their processes and document management. Yesterday we held a training session in our office for about six of their employees to show them the ins and outs of SharePoint. About half way through the meeting, one of the women very abruptly asked where the bathroom was and then rushed out of the room. She was in there for a while before she rejoined the meeting.

Well, later that afternoon, I found out why she took so long… because she completely snapped our freaking toilet seat in two! How in the hell do you snap a perfectly good toilet seat in two? I mean I could understand if over the years, a crack had started to develop and then it finally snapped… but that was not the case with this particular seat. It was in perfect condition (well as perfect a condition as a toilet seat can be). Her ass must have been ready to literally explode, when she slammed it down on that seat. And then… can you imagine how she must have been feeling in there after she realized what she had done? Holy shit I would have died! DIED! I hope that it did not pinch her ass when it was time to get up - OUCH!

My boss went out and got us another one after the meeting, while he was out for lunch. He wasted no time - thank goodness for us. I joked with him when he got back, because I have been asking for a new office chair for like three years now - it has become like a company-wide joke - anytime we get something new in the office, I ask during our weekly meeting “How much did that cost? - Hmmm, you could have gotten me a new chair for that price!” Everyone kind of laughs and then someone will usually say “For Christ’s sake will someone get her a new damn chair already!” Well I told him that I was going to invite that lady back to the office and have her sit in my chair… when she snaps it in two, he will be forced to get me a new one! He said no, that he would move my office into the bathroom and let me sit on the new toilet seat. Ass.

I will be the first person to say that big old hickeys on your neck are disgusting looking. In my opinion they just look trashy, but that does not mean that I will not give you one if I am challenged to do so! Saturday night I went out for some drinks with Dena and Adam. It was their anniversary, so I joined them for some cocktails. At some point, Dena joked with Adam and said that she was going to give him a hickey for their anniversary. He immediately started talking trash and saying she absolutely would not. At this point, I chimed in and said, “If she wants to give you one, she WILL give you one… what are you going to do about it?” He got all tough and manly and said - “The hell she will - I WILL NOT let her!” and he was backed up by some of the other men at the bar and they all kind of talked about how manly they all were and some other crap that we completely stopped listening to at that point. That is when Dena and I decided that it was going to be our mission to destroy his neck that night… you know, to prove a point, and because we had been drinking and stupid shit like that always seems like a good idea to Dena and I when we are drinking together.

We talked it out and decided we would hold him down and each get one side of his neck, when he was not expecting it. We kept using the phrase “We’ll attack him like Spider Monkeys” and when we said it, Dena would make these little clawing motions with her hands - which kept making me laugh really hard, to the point of almost wetting my pants. And we did attack him like Spider Monkeys… and guess who ended up with hickeys all over his neck? Do not ever tell a woman that she WILL NOT do something… because guess what? She (and her best friend) WILL do it! With a vengeance!

Adam had to play golf the next day, and when he called us while we were at the pool, we asked how his neck was feeling. He said that his golf buddies said “Damn you must have had a good night with the wife!” and he had to explain that one side was from his wife and the other side was from his wife’s best friend. How much do you want to bet that he did not explain to them that we attacked him like drunken spider monkeys in a bar on a mission? I’m pretty sure that he just let the golf guys think that he has got it good like that!  :smug: