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When we were growing up, we always had soda in the house.  My mom would keep the soda on top of the refrigerator, so that it wouldn’t be so easy for us to grab, forcing us to have to ask for some.  When I was older and could reach the soda myself, I developed a really bad habit of grabbing a bottle and swigging directly out of it, instead of pouring myself a glass.  My mom HATED this, and would yell at me all the time to stop swigging from the bottle.

One day, I came in from playing outside and ran over to the fridge.  I reached up and grabbed for one of the soda bottles so that I could take a quick swig and get back outside.  I happened to grab a 7-Up bottle.  I unscrewed the cap, put the 2-litre to my mouth, tilted my head back and started swigging.  It took me a couple seconds to realize that what I was swigging was NOT 7-Up.

Apparently, the last time my mom had made Fried Chicken for dinner, she funneled the old, nasty, used chicken grease into an empty 7-Up bottle and instead of throwing it away; she put it on top of the fridge with the rest of the 2-litre soda bottles. 

Words cannot describe how disgusting that grease tasted.  It was thick and smelled like chicken.  I could feel all kinds of floaty chicken things in my mouth.  I immediately threw up all over the kitchen floor.  It was days before the queasy feeling left my stomach, and the memory of the taste will never completely be gone.  My mom had NO sympathy for me, she simply said, “Guess you won’t be swigging out of the bottles anymore, will you?”

NO – I WOULD NOT BE!!!

Kaiden likes to go with my father up to the church he works at.  While he is signing checks and setting up for events, she plays in the nursery and in various other rooms in the church.  She is always bringing something home with her.  Stuff that was someone else’s junk that was given to the church, because they did not want it.  Now it comes home with my daughter and becomes our junk.  I have begged and pleaded with my dad to stop letting her bring the stuff home, but he cannot seem to comprehend my requests.

The last item she brought home was this old fisher price children’s tape player, complete with built-in microphone, so that you can sing along with whatever tape you are playing.  We do not own tapes anymore, so my father stepped up to the plate like the “pop-pop” hero that he is and donated his old “Ace of Base – The Sign” tape for Kaiden’s listening enjoyment.

I swear to god I think I am going to lose my mind.  My daughter has been walking around the house for weeks with this damn tape player, like some old-school break dancing/rapper with it up on her shoulder, blaring Ace of Base at intolerable levels.  I did not like this band in 1993 and I REALLY do not like them now!  She brings it in the bathroom with her, in her bedroom, downstairs, in the car and she is constantly in my bedroom, in front of my full length mirror, so she can watch herself dance to it.

Somehow, I must destroy this thing, without her knowing!  I must get the words “All that she wants is another baby” out of my head, before I am sent to the state mental hospital!!!

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One of the great things about fall is definitely the fact that it’s the beginning of the holiday season.  I absolutely LOVE Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  When I was young, my mom always made gigantic meals for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Each one of us would have different jobs assigned to us.  One of us would help polish the good silverware, one of us set the table and one of us had to help pull all the food together at the last minute.

One year in particular, my sister had the chore of setting the table.  When dinner was ready, we all sat down to the table and got ready to have a wonderful feast, when I noticed there were six place settings.  So, I asked my sister why she set six places, when there are only five people in our family.  She answered that she had set a place for Jesus.  My parents thought this was the sweetest thing ever, but being the heathen that I was, I started laughing my ass off, uncontrollably.  I asked her if Jesus had called and let her know he was coming?

For the rest of the meal, while everyone was passing around all the food, I would stop after putting a helping on my plate and look at the empty place setting next to me and ask “Jesus, would you like some mashed potatoes?”  “Jesus, can I get you some more cranberry sauce?” – cracking myself up each time more and more.  My sister was so pissed at me, and my parents must have asked me twenty times to stop, but I just could not control myself.  To this day, every Thanksgiving I look at my sister and say, “Remember that time you set a place for Jesus?”  We have a love-hate relationship!