My co-worker, Christopher May, loves when he gets a good SPAM email in his junk mail folder at work.  He will take the time to respond to the SPAM messages.  It is SUCH an honor that he decides to copy me on those responses.

-----Original Message-----
From: Garcia Anselma [mailto:g24anselma@maqterra.com]
Sent: Saturday, November 30, 2013 2:28 AM
To: Christopher May
Subject: Happy Week End

May the favor of today locate you.

My dear how are you Hope you are kicking and bouncing well in good health, I am Anselma i saw your e-mail while making some friendship research today, i really hope you are doing perfectly great? it will be my pleasure to have you in contact with me so that we can get to know each other very well share some pictures, chat and exchange messages and ideas, as you know that a tree can't make a forest but together we can achieve a lot, so i do not care about race, age or sex, all that matter to me is the love of the humanity and God divine creations. i will be waiting for your reply to send you my pictures.
wishing you a beautiful moment
Anselma Garcia....

My Dear Anselma,

What a shock it was to hear from you today! Indeed I am bouncing and kicking good health in the teeth with large boots! I am vibrating with happiness that your friendship research has found me. Once, while conducting some friendship research of my own, I found my dear friend Jaquelina Homaphosfet who is still to this day thanking the favor of the day we located. Perhaps our fates will meet the same God divine goodness, no? I am so glad to hear that you do not care about racing or sex - two things that I most humbly despise. Last year, in a desperate attempt to manage my severe hatred of racing and sex I walked naked on the race course at the Talladega International Speedway during the NASCAR semi-finals. I spray painted the words sex-no on my bare chest and made quite the spectacle! Perhaps this is how your friendship research found my email - the publicity was kicking and bouncing for certain and I was fast to sending emails all over humanity and God divine creations! The resulting accident left your humble servant in bad shape and with a pile mountain of hospital bills. I am now the recipient of many not good pleasures which make me bouncing happy to be the favor of your friendship research making! I do know that a tree cannot make a forest together, which is why I am hopeful that you, Anselma, can sending to me fruitful blessings in US$ currency. Your fruitful blessings in US$ currency will help make forests happen achieving a lot (especially toward my unfortunate oppressor hospital mountain bills!).

Anselma, I beg of you to send US$ currency and pictures in God creations humble name and beautiful moment. Jaquelina has not returned my emails since the unfortunate accident happening and I fear the racing and sexing mogrels have stolen her emailing! I will return pictures once the oppressor hospital completes the work on my frightful disfigurement. Until then my friendship research friend, I will continue to speak against the racing and sexing as you wish. Together we will making forests and forests and forests in beautiful moments.

Wishing you the favor of the day upon you,

Markus Grigsby III

My co-worker, Christopher May, loves when he gets a good SPAM email in his junk mail folder at work.  He will take the time to respond to the SPAM messages.  It is SUCH an honor that he decides to copy me on those responses.

From: Emma Josphen [mailto:emma.josphen@evocativems.com]
Sent: Tuesday, December 03, 2013 4:23 AM
To: Emma Josphen
Subject: Business contacts
Importance: High

Greetings!!

Would you be interested in B2B Email List ?

We have segmented our database according to reach your target market (Industry) and have updated lists globally.

Industry Lists: 
Food & Beverage Pharmaceuticals Telecommunications Services
Metal & Mining Supply chain & Logistics Automotive & Transport
Information Technology Research & Consulting Services HR Executives List
Non-profit Organization Environmental Services & Equipment Electrical & Electronics
Energy & Utilities Photography, Media & Publication Electronics
Oil & Gas Government & Public Sector Security Products & Services
Computer Hardware & Embedded Health Care Insurance
Education & Training Industrial Manufacturing Banking
Architecture Chemicals Transportation Services
Hotel & Resort Business Services Agriculture
Financial Services Retail Computer Services
Construction Food Production Real Estate
 

Information Technology: IBM Users, Sage Users, SAP Users, Oracle Users, Sales force Users, CRM, ERP, Networking, Computer Hardware, Software, and IT Resellers (Value Added Resellers), List Brokers etc,

Data fields:-  First Name, Last Name, Company Name, Company URL, Title, Physical Address, Phone Number, Fax Number, Industry, Revenue Size, Employee size and Email Address.

Please let me know your exact target audience ( Geography, Industry, Job titles you wish to reach) so that I could send you a more information based on your requirements.

Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Emma Josphen
Marketing Executive
216-452-6208

Dearest Emma,

In the spirit of the holiday season, please take me off of your mailing list. I receive the same email from different associates (or possible competitors) of yours at least three times a week. I have zero need for your services and would prefer not to receive any more emails. I do respect your enthusiasm and your undying dedication in trying to procure my business despite my continued success of ignoring you and never once responding to your emails…ever. I especially liked how you upped the ante by signifying your emails as “High Importance” – that was a game changer for me and definitely got my attention. Bravo!

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors and continued successes in reaching potential clients. If my position changes to one where I need your services, I have no doubt you will find me. At that time we can discuss the ever-important means to reach my target audience(s) for the yet-to-be-determined products I may be pandering. If that day ever arrives, I hope to be pandering something in the global email marketing arena as it is undoubtedly the future that is within reach today and will surely only prosper with time. Perhaps I will be sending you emails where I request your business. Wouldn’t that be exciting and quite the turn of the old table?!? I will certainly consider using your tactic of signifying emails with “High Importance”, but I will secretly be thinking that it is ME that is important and when you open my email and send my ‘read request’ I will add a point to my special “I’m Important” ledger.

I sincerely appreciate the time you will hopefully expend in removing me from your target market (of which I was never really part of…).

Thank you,

Signed: Person who does not want to receive your emails anymore

My co-worker, Christopher May, loves when he gets a good SPAM email in his junk mail folder at work.  He will take the time to respond to the SPAM messages.  It is SUCH an honor that he decides to copy me on those responses.

-----Original Message-----
From: wkrg38@dsmailc.com [mailto:wkrg38@dsmailc.com] On Behalf Of MR. KRUGER
Sent: Monday, November 11, 2013 1:35 AM
To: victorkruger9@wp.pl
Subject: DEAL{USD250 Million) United State Dollar's.

(.NOW-DOWNLOAD.)

From: Christopher May
Sent: Monday, November 11, 2013 5:03 PM
To: Misty Scanlon
Subject: RE: DEAL{USD250 Million) United State Dollar's.

Dear Victor,

I was so excited to receive your generous offering of $250 Million Dollars. My current monetary situation has been recently likened to a severe drought in an already drought stricken dessert devoid of any ATM's, money trees, or small rivulets of coinage refreshments - so this is most welcome news. My great aunt Myrtle Smith who now lives in Sandusky has already updated her Christmas list to include new quilting patterns and breast augmentation surgery. Although, seemingly unrelated, Aunt Myrtle was always prone to needlepointing her quilts on the natural shelf of her ample bosom. The unmistakable freak and sudden accident at the factory robbed her of her "second lap" and she has since vowed destruction to all industrial machinery which has led to several unfruitful encounters with the Polish Mafia - which, as you know Victor, fronts the designated repair labor organizations of all machinery institutes in the Western Hemisphere. As a result we find ourselves the named defendant in several pending lawsuits. Needless to say, your agreement to join our cause with your monetary endowment has eased the pressure on our financial liabilities and made our legal representation team agree to meet with us once again. Just the simple act of naming (the famous) Victor Kruger as co-defendant on all of our pending legal obligations has breathed new life into our legal team. We have even put out a request to hire more lawyers of even higher reputation (which I should say has gone quite well since the addition of your name to our legal woes). You should soon see the legal paperwork and law suit information in the mail soon (we trust you are at the same address). Knowing that we are now in the affluent company of the Kruger family, we felt compelled to pre-spend some of your endowment on a small fleet of Chevy Camaros (the pinnacle of rich men's dreams wouldn't you agree?). Driving to court tomorrow as a member of the elite will certainly be the figurative thumb in the Polish Mafia's face! Aunt Myrtle settled for a moon roof after we had depleted the dealer's lot of all convertibles. She is happy nonetheless and I wish you could see her toothless grin as she motors down the Ohio byways. We do believe that your generous gift of $250 Million Dollars will cover the first few months of legal fees and that being named as co-defendant it would be expected of you to continue your generous obligation in the coming legal battle in the American court system. Our legal analysts (also recently hired on retainer billed to the Kruger family) tell us that we can expect a minimum of twelve years before we begin to make headway against the Polish Mafia. We are so proud that you have agreed to be part of the battle and that your wallet is now open to those of us in dire need. I can assure you that while Aunt Myrtle was indeed deliberately attacking machinery and was certainly responsible for the one of the largest production losses in the history of the Polish Mafia reign over the institutes, we continue to fight the good fight despite the video surveillance evidence and secretly taped confessionals which offer very little doubt as to Aunt Myrtle's actions. Surprisingly, our legal team assures us a victory in the face of such obstacles due simply to the very nature of the American Court System. Your monetary obligation will guarantee that the fight will continue in the face of utter hopelessness.

Thank you again,

Your humble legal co-defendant - Charlie "Chuckie" Smith

My co-worker, Christopher May, loves when he gets a good SPAM email in his junk mail folder at work.  He will take the time to respond to the SPAM messages.  It is SUCH an honor that he decides to copy me on those responses.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jamal Steve [mailto:order@templessuplyinc.com]
Sent: Thursday, November 07, 2013 11:11 AM
To: Misty Scanlon
Subject: Order Require

Hello Sales,

I would like to place an order in your store Do you ship to tuvalu?
Do you do accept credit card payment?
Please kindly let me now and i will be glad to proceed with my order.
Thanks
C.E.O
Steve

From: Christopher May
Sent: Thursday, November 07, 2013 12:29 PM
To: Jamal Steve [mailto:order@templessuplyinc.com]
Subject: RE: Order Require

Dear C.E.O "Steve" (aka Jamal),

We sincerely appreciate your interest in our fledgling company. As you are well aware, our full line of latex bondage clothing is unique in the wearable rubber-goods industry. We know that our customers are extremely fastidious when it comes to selecting the right product. We design each piece of bondage-wear with you, the masochist, in mind. Our stain-resistant line of pants and onesies (SNAPFIT ®) has hit the market to rave reviews. As a current customer, you know the importance of ‘fluid’-resistant wearables! Our SNAPFIT ® line meets your expectations without the typical “issues” encountered in full-length rubber wear – our designers have worked around the clock to reduce chafing, latex rashes, and minor chemical burns associated with our previous line.

We certainly appreciate your willingness to continue shopping with us despite the recent negative publicity and pending class-action lawsuit. We certainly cherish every customer who has not already been contacted by the Better Business Bureau, the FBI, or the law firm of Henkle, Hinkle, and Schmidt. We hope you share our sentiment that the recent incident that involved the vinyl anal beads and that poor llama in Morroco were merely misunderstood instances of user error. After viewing your recent orders, Mr. Steve, we know that you are a fine connoisseur of some of our more popular anal products and can certainly attest to their safety when used in the proper manner.

To answer your question, we are temporarily banned from doing any business in Tuvalu by the national governing board of trade. We assure you that the circumstances surrounding our being banned are merely only accusations and should not worry you, nor deter you from placing future orders. We can however ship to the nearby island of Nauru and have a chartered boat assigned to hand deliver your product order. Are you in Funafuti, or close by? Shipping charges will need to be increased substantially to cover boating and handling expenses and we must insist that these charges be paid for up front. Of course we cannot calculate final fees until you place your order, but we can estimate cost of shipping in the 4 to 10 thousand Euro range (of course charges are higher during the rainy season). I will add that we are offering a special on ball gags through December.

We look forward to receiving your order Mr. Steve.

Sincerely,

John Semen, CEO

My co-worker, Christopher May, loves when he gets a good SPAM email in his junk mail folder at work.  He will take the time to respond to the SPAM messages.  It is SUCH an honor that he decides to copy me on those responses.

From: Climate Change [mailto:nmf.climate1@gmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, October 31, 2013 7:07 PM
Subject: Climate Change Awareness Fund

Attn: Sir/Madam,

View attached letter and contact Prof. Clarke

Thanks,
Ms. Figueres

From: Christopher May
Sent: Friday, November 01, 2013 10:00 AM
To: Climate Change
Subject: RE: Climate Change Awareness Fund

Dear Ms. Figueres,

Thank you so much for the information. I contacted “the Professor” and he was quite informative, but I believe that he may be under duress (or possibly struggling with his opiate addiction – which, by the way, he says you are acutely aware of). I am not sure how to proceed with “the fund” knowing that Professor Clarke will be unable to provide assistance in the usual manner. As you know, his vintage VW Bus is in the shop (again) and he is unable to leave town until they clear out the gas lines from yet another attempt at skirting the gas industry (bravo, Professor!). Without reliable transportation and my second battle with gout in full bloom I find myself stranded at my apartment, forced to watch the action from the sidelines. On a good note, I am pleased to tell you that my new remote control arrived in the mail yesterday (thank you) and I am able to now watch more than one channel. Although I will miss the recurring episodes of Hogans Heros and the Brady Bunch that TV Land is so fond of, I think my new ability to change channels bodes well for me and is a sign that the universe is finally seeing that I get a fair shake. Wouldn’t you agree? Anyway, I have made arrangements with the Professor to establish a carrier pigeon service between our respective locations so that we may continue our conversation without the hindrances of “prying eyes” (I think you know who I am talking about…). I should be in touch within a fortnight to report our progress. “The Fund” lives on despite our recent setbacks and I can assure you that once the bus is up and running we can continue our forays into climate change joy (may it live forever!).

With that, my dear Ms. Figueres, I bid you adieu. Per protocol (and per “the Fund” handbook), I have reattached the LETTER. Please view immediately.

Sincerely,
                 
Mr. Figueres